Dolly the Sheep

Now that the IPL is well and truly launched we need to educate our sportsmen on what is expected of them. I see a sad want of ability in our boys to waste money on the accoutrements of successful sportsmanship and ask the bat and ball wallahs to look to the UK for inspiration.

True, some of the victors did announce that they will buy the odd Porsche or Hummer, but not much beyond that. One, at least, is dating Bollywood starlets - but they are of no use to spectators or the media for no matter how free and easy their lives, they are not allowed to be seen to be free and/or easy or their audiences will vanish. The rest of the squad are married to delightful stay at home women, are waiting to marry their high school sweethearts or, better, like those other successful Indian men, our computer engineers in the US, are waiting for Mummy to find them a nice, homely, girl with whom to settle down.

No, what we need are imports. We have imported players galore. Now we need to imports wives and girlfriends in the football league mould for they will provide much more sport to the punters. Consider:

1) They will launch a much needed paparazzi industry as they are seen shopping at boutiques (for sex toys even), throwing up in gutters after a girls night out and doing other wives and girfriends things.
2) By posing in their knickers they will give some anchor of Indian-ness to the page three shots that plaster the front page of even our leading financial daily. If we cannot do without blondes with big boobs then at least let us contract them to be our blondes with big boobs.
3) They will help our fashion industry by forcing the lazy fellows to cut for women with figures as opposed to making their dough stitching tents for the seriously obese attending the big fat Indian wedding.
4) As the cult of celebrity widens they will exchange partners with other celebrities, as they are wont to do. In time we may even see Big Indian Industrialists dispense with the mistresses hidden in London and move on to the second, Trophy Wife.

In short we must import WAG's because, like much else that we bring in, from bags to best practices, this too will put us at the cutting edge.